Ok, so, yes...I'll be returning home to 'THE OLD COUNTRY' as my dad likes to put it-bulgaria-and i figured that i had better leave something behind so that my friends dont think that i left them behind without saying a word.

First things first, i have a really annoying tooth ache, and have had it for three days, and it's narking me off!

I havent done all that much to be honest, since ive come back to england for a little holiday. Been out with the girls a couple of times, gone shopping with emu (who is a god send with my bank balence, i sware it) Played with fluffy...yay. Hung out with my dad, been forced to go to a family thing, been insulted by my grandmother, slpped my brother over the head, missed my cats, and shouted at my mum over the phone for worrying herself sick

All in all, a good holiday i think

Ok, so there was a little hickup in the beginning, but its been delt with and no harm was done to anyone.

But, ohmygod, i have spent so much money over the last two and a half weeks, almost £500!!!! £300 is on flights, because im paying for my dads ticket back (loaned i should say) because its coming up to the end of the month and he couldnt really afford it

I dont know how im going to manage the next couple of days if people want me to go out, because i dont want to have to go delving in to my back account again. But i have to go in to chatham tomorrow, and go up to Fort Pitt so i can talk to a couple of teachers. I want to get e-mail addresses etc so i can get references and such for uni, witch i am going to try to get in to when i return home.

People keep asking me what bulgaria is like, and i know its just curiosity on their part, but im getting annoyed with the questions. Its mainly because of my grandmother asking dumb questions all the time, and you know, its home now, and i dont ask my friends about how the water is when theyve moved house (thats one of my nans) I suppose my biggest issue with being asked is that im stil so over whelmed with it all, that i dont know if i like it, and i cant give people an impression of it because i still feel like im dreaming. Wierd huh?

Ohhhh, good news. Braudband should be coming to my village soon!!! which means i mayu have the net sorted out soonish (take soon to mean about 6 months ok?)


love you and big kisses

xxx

im still alive, miss you love you...will sort out decent net soon

ok, not a perminate goodbye. But i wont be able to get on to the net for a while, or Devi either.

I am moving to my dads house for a couple of days before going to Bulgaria at the end of the week, and though i shall still be popping on to MSN while i am at my dads, i wont be on devi. I dont know when i will next be on, but i will be back!

1. Smoked. [x]
2. Consumed alcohol. [x]
3. Slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex. [ ]
4. Slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex. [x]
5. Kissed someone of the same sex. [x]
6. Had sex. [ ]
7. Had someone in your room other than family. [x]
8. Watched porn. [x]
9. Bought porn. [ ]
10. Done drugs. [x]
TOTAL: 7

1. Taken painkillers. [x]
2. Taken someone else's prescription medicine. [x]
3. Lied to your parents. [x]
4. Lied to a friend. [x]
5. Been to rehab. [ ]
6. Done something illegal. [X]
7. Cut yourself. [x]
8. Hurt someone. [x]
9. Been to a club. [x]
10. Seen someone die. [
TOTAL: 8

1. Missed curfew. [ ]
2. Stayed out all night. [x]
3. Eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself. [ ]
4. Been to a therapist. [ ]
5. Snuck out of the house. [ ]
6. Dyed your hair. [x]
7. Received a ticket. [ ]
8. Been in an accident. [x]
9. Wished someone to die. [x]
10. Been to a bar. [x]
TOTAL: 5

1. Been to a wild party. [ ]
2. Been to a Mardi Gras parade. [ ]
3. Drank more than four beers in a night. [x]
4. Had a spring break in Florida. [ ]
5. Sniffed anything. [ ]
6. Wore black nail polish. [x]
7. Wore arm bands. [x]
8. Wore t-shirts with band names. [x]
9. Listened to rap. [x]
10. Owned a 50 Cent CD. [ ]
TOTAL: 5

1. Dressed Gothic. [x]
2. Dressed prep.[x]
3. Dressed punk. [x]
4. Dressed grunge. [x]
5. Stole something. [x]
6. Been too drunk to remember anything. [x]
7. Blacked out. [ ]
8. Fainted. [x]
9. Had a crush on a neighbor. [x]
TOTAL: 8

1. Snuck into someone else's room. [x]
2. Had a crush on your friend. [x]
3. Been to a concert. [x ]
4. Dry-humped someone. [ ]
5. Been called a slut. [x]
6. Called someone a slut. [x]
7. Installed speakers in your car.[ ]
8. Broken a mirror. [ ]
9. Showered at someone of the opposites sex's house. [ ]
10. Brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush. [ ]
TOTAL: 5

1. Consider/Considered Ludacris your favorite rapper. [ ]
2. Seen an R-rated movie in theater. [x]
3. Cruised the mall. [x]
4. Skipped school. [x]
5. Had surgery. [x]
6. Had an injury. [x]
7. Gone to court. [ ]
8. Walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping. [x]
9. Caught something on fire. [x]
10. Lied about your age. [x]
TOTAL: 8


1. Owned/rented an apartment.[ ]
2. Broke the law in the police's presence. [ ]
3. Made out with someone who had a gf/bf. [x]
4. Got in trouble with the police. [ ]
5. Talked to a stranger. [x]
6. Hugged a stranger. [x]
7. Kissed a stranger. [x]
8. Rode in the car with a stranger. [ ]
9. Been harassed. [x]
10. Been verbally harassed. [x]
TOTAL: 6

1. Met face-to-face with someone you met online. [x]
2. Stayed online for 5 hours straight. [x]
3. Talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight. [ ]
4. Watched TV for 5 hours straight. [x]
5. Been to a fair. [x]
6. Been called a bad influence. [x]
7. Drink and drive. [ ]
8. Prank-called someone. [x]
9. Laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex. [x]
10. Cheated on a test. [x]
TOTAL: 8

TEST TOTAL: 60

-If You Have Less Then 10.. write [I'm a Goody Goody.]
-If You Have More Than 10.. write [I'm still a goody goody.]
-If You Have more Than 20..write [I'm average.]
-If You Have More Than 30..write [I'm a bad kid.]
-If You have more than 40..write [I'm a very bad influence.]
-If You Have more than 50..write [I'm a horrible person.]

...did i spell drivel right? Never mind.

So, anyway. Yes, i shall be moving on around the 26th of october hopefully. My dad and brother will be driving our stuff out to Bulgaria in a van on the 23rd, which is quite nice, it means that they might be at the house before mum or myself, and so they can unpack a little. And if there are any delays, such as ferrys (they are taking the ferry from Venic to greece...i think) they me and mum wont be suck without our things for two long.

Then david and dad will take the van back to england, and david will be moving in with dad, and will be moving to Bulagria some time next year. I dont know when though.

I have to admit, though when people ask me how i am, or what i think about moving, and i tell them im not thinking about it...which is true, i havent been thinking about it. Im beginning to get a little bitie nailies now, and getting increadably nervious about the whole situation. There is a part of me that doesnt want to talk about it, because i dont want to cry (ive been close to crying a few times this week) and another part that wants to bitch to anyone and everyone.

Roo was so sweet last night, asking me why i couldnt stay. And i really cant, apart from my friends, i have nothing to stay for. And i love my friends, and they havent a clue as how big a pull their having on me to staying. But on the flip side of it, i have to get away; ive been ill and i need a rest before figuring my life out. And after this last year with so many people dying, and being disowned (always fun) and not having great qualifications for a the type of job i want. I really dont have much to stay here for, concerning my own potentail.

Its just a little difficult, because i dont think to many people quite grasp that i am truly going. I know that they know, but i dont get the feeling that it is sinking in. Not that i can blame them, ive been talking about this move for over a year, and it still feels more like a dream than anything else. And now, in a couple of weeks, my entire life in England is over, and i am beginning all over again.

Thats how i see it, not a new chapter, but a whole new book...as if the other one is going out of print and being suck on a dusty shelf, only to be read in the future like it was some diary. This part of my life is soon to be totally over, and its hard to think positive and think that this this is the begining, not the end. Odd that. I would have said that the old book is to be burnt, but that would mean that there is no proof of it ever being around, and i have a feeling that that metaphore should be left to the KGB or something.

But i do forsee many tears at that airport. Its going to be an anti-climactic end. And the prema donna in me does also have a little issue with this.

In other news (how often do i say that) how come no one has commented on my last two poems...i am feeling highly abandoned. Or am i just being self absorbed. I think its just compounding my feeling of being alone. Im not saying i am, im saying i feel.

And the moment, im a little torn when it comes to my grandmother Mauvie (the one who had disowned me) theres a massive part of me (ok all of me) that wants to go up and see her before i go to say goodbye. Partly because i feel like i should, hold out the olive branch in a way. And another part so if anything should happen to her, i would have that crushing guilt of not going to see her one more time. And the final part is so i can the moral high ground, and have a big nah nah nahnah nah.

But then theres my dads words in my head 'shes not worth it' and he is more than likly right. And mum fears that i will get too upset. But i cant help this feeling that i should. Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom out there in the massive universe of the web that could shead some light on my problem. Anything, because i reallly dont know what to do.






Anyway, im going have my final fag and go off to bed.

Nightnight

xxx